So I'm batting 1.000 for the year so far. One funeral per thirty days on average. I haven't worn this many suits since my glory days as an athlete at good ol' Plymouth Canton HS. So much loss this year it's astounding, and sadly I think I'm beginning to get numb to what happens. But that's neither here nor there at this point.
However, with every dark cloud there's a silver lining, and my lining/defensive mechanism du jour is my ability to at least laugh at things. I think my sense of humor is what keeps me strong. At least it keeps me from going Margot Kidder on everyone.
So during my uncle's funeral on Thursday, I spied with my own eyes the most amazing thing: This company actually has a branch in downriver Michigan. While this may not surprise or be of interest to some, the whole concept absolutely fascinated me beyond words. The attention to detailthis company warrants is amazing. If I were a biker, I would certainly choose this option over the traditional hearse-cakset affair.
But this had me daydreaming for a spell into other alternative funeral scenarios I wish to occur, should I unexpectedly shuffle off this mortal coil:
1. Similar to the Tombstone Casket Company's brilliant idea, I want a Vespa scooter rally, with two white vespas pulling my casket via a trailer hitch. During the service Liz Copeland and Clark Warner are to DJ shoegaze/ambient and dreampop stuff. I would also like "Here Comes the Bride" to be played right before the service begins, just to throw people off a bit more. When the Vespa procession leaves the funeral home, all in the party will be required to listen to The Jam while heading to my final resting place. The playlist is as follows:
Dreams of Children
Great Depression
That's Entertainment
I Got By In Time
Afterwards catering would be by Arby's.
2. I shall be cremated, with my ashes to be distributed evenly in the following places:
a. The front lawn of Hitsville USA
b. Detroit River
c. Lafayette Coney Island
d. My parents place
e. On a mantle at the offices of Ghostly International
f. In the hard drive of MINT0 (the first and last work-based inside joke I'll ever tell)
My ashes will also have their own account on Friendster.
3. I will have a Dixieland jazz band reinterpreting some of my favorite songs (including Akufen's "Deck the House"). Matt Cohen from 1115 and James Carville (not from 1115) will enlighten (and torture) my conservative relatives; espousing on the virtues of being liberal, democratic, and most of all: correct.
There will then be a New Dance Show styled line dance, unto which Will Calcutt and Matthew Dear will reinterpret Snap's "The Power" and Seal's "Crazy" for everyone to dance down the aisle of the funeral home.
The after funeral luncheon will be held at Arby's.
4. None of this will happen. Sadly, my carcass will be subjected to a traditional funeral; complete with boring sermon from a priest who never knew me and a eulogy from someone who will mourn my passing instead of celebrating the fact season two of the Mary Tyler Moore show FINALLY is being released on DVD (which of course, will be my last wish).
My after funeral lunch will not be at Arby's; it will probably be at the Olive Garden. If I'm cremated, the ashes will probably be put somewhere. If I'm buried it'll probably not be next to a TV or radio. Paul Weller will most likely not fly in from the UK (he'll still be alive...I think he's a cyborg personally) and perform an acoustic rendition of "That's Entertainment", and my friends won't even do the whole Vespa processional. Heck, I'll be thankful if they even do a Saturn based one.
However, one thing that is not negotiable: my casket will have shark fins, lifts and will be constructed by Orange County Choppers.
Posted by rob at June 28, 2004 12:57 AM